Love Is—Part Two in a Series

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Kind

/kīnd/

adjective

Definition of kind:

1: having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature

2: of a forbearing nature 

3: arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance

“Be excellent to each other.”

- Bill S. Preston, Esq.

I understand that there’s a certain amount of risk in opening a post with a quote from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. But like Bill’s edict (a call to kindness itself), acts of kindness are simple, yet profound. The positive effect generated by a single act of kindness is typically evident in not only the “receiver,” but also in the “giver,” and in any “observer” as well.  Take the following story for example:

A young teacher wanted to address the issue of self-worth with her third-grade class. Wanting to prove to each of her students that everyone has value, she instructed, “Anyone who thinks they’re worthless, I want you to stand up.”

The children looked around. No one stood.

Proud of herself for proving her point, the teacher smiled. “Oh, come on. There must be someone here who thinks they’re worthless.

Again, the children looked around. No one stood.

“No one?”

The teacher’s smile faded, however, when little Billy slowly raised from his seat. Her surefire way of proving worth backfired.

“Billy, you think you’re worthless?”

“No, Ms. Jennings. I don’t think I’m worthless. I just felt bad for you standing there all alone.”

Now let’s assume for a moment that Ms. Jennings did actually feel worthless and that Billy acted altruistically (which definitely makes the joke a little less funny…and brings into question Ms. Jennings’ motivation for the exercise in the first place). But assuming that this was the case, according to a growing body of research on altruism, Ms. Jennings (the “receiver”), Billy (the “giver”), and Billy’s classmates (the “observers”) all benefited from Billy’s display of kindness. It was the emotional equivalent to “high tides raise all ships.”

Dartmouth, UC Berkeley, University of British Columbia, and Harvard are some of the universities that have contributed to what we now know about the benefits of kindness. Research from these institutions show that altruistic acts increase energy, happiness, lifespan, pleasure, and serotonin, while decreasing pain, anxiety, depression, and blood pressure. Further, merely witnessing an act of kindness increases oxytocin, which promotes heart health and increases self-esteem and optimism. It also improves mood and significantly increases the likelihood that the observer will “pay it forward.” Not a bad return for Billy’s single act of kindness.

So, how can we be the best conduit of kindness and subsequently, love? Professor and author Brené Brown gives some interesting insight. Brown writes, “Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.” If this is true, then to be good givers of kindness, we first need to be good receivers. Otherwise, the kindness we offer may lose its altruism making it something different entirely—something most heinous.

Begrudging, controlling, and unrelenting generosity are a few adjectives author and lecturer Dr. Molly Castelloe describes as problematic kindness. Such kindness is, consciously or subconsciously, given with strings of resentment, guilt, or pressure firmly attached—not exactly a beacon of love. So, while it certainly remains true that it is more blessed to give than receive, let’s remain mindful of how we receive as well.

Booker T. Washington once said, “The happiest people are those who do the most for others. The most miserable are those who do the least.” I agree. While happiness, and the pursuit of it, may look a little different to everyone, we know why kindness is a common denominator. So, let’s be excellent to each other. And let’s receive excellence from each other. Because doing so not only helps us to live fuller and healthier lives, but ultimately helps us to better love one another. And that is something most definitely non-heinous. Party on, dudes.

Ephesians 4:32 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (NIV).

Romans 12:10

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (NIV).